Last night I woke up at 3am, hearing the clicking and fast typing of the keyboard, to find out that my mid-30s bf was chatting with his mid-30s best friend.
I cringe every time I see him text his best friend. I know I shouldn’t, but I do. It’s hard to explain, but it’s a similar feeling of when one discovers that their significant other is having an emotional affair.
As Wikipedia defines it,
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An “emotional affair” is an affair between two people that mimics the closeness and emotional intimacy of an affair while never being physically consummated. An emotional affair is often colloquially referred to as an affair of the heart.
This is the exact feeling I have. They are two people with extreme closeness and emotional intimacy, without the physicality of a sexual relationship.
Since we’ve been together the past three years, they don’t see each other in person as often. So to keep in tune with each other’s lives, they text daily or multiple times weekly, in lengthy details, to update each other on specific events in their work, family, personal lives. They truly have a special bonding, a unique relationship that no one else has.
For over 12 years, they’ve been known to be the ‘bickering couple’ within their group of friends and have been accepted as such. Others sometimes find them annoying, but everyone is accepting and think, “it’s the way they are”, and they all just laugh it off. But holy crap, it’s weird. To them, of course, it’s “normal”. Everyone else around, including myself, is a third wheel when they’re together or when they get into a heated discussion.
The intensive eye contact, the try-hard-to-be-covert glances over to my bf in large groups of friends, the constant talking about my bf and mentioning of his name while my bf is present or not present within the group – this best friend literally worships the ground my bf walks on.
Out of respect and the fact that I’m his gf, my bf seems to tell me news first, but his best friend will know the second after I find out. Basically, there’s nothing I know that his best friend wouldn’t know. In fact, they trust each other so much, they share more information between each other than my bf shares with me. They seek each other’s opinions on big-decision items and they highly value each other’s thoughts and opinions. They’re basically “there for each other, always” and have each other’s backs.
They share not only specific day-to-day frustrations and celebrations, but also intimate personal emotions, problems, and secrets (I know his best friend knows whenever we have relationship problems). The secrets really bug me. Those annoying, “don’t tell anyone I told you, but…<lame secret>”. Occasionally my bf tells me some details, not that I care about the secret, but I just find it disgusting that his best friend is sharing intimate details of other people’s lives, that were supposed to be secrets, to my bf. Total gossip queen who reveals everyone else’s ‘don’t-tell-anyone-but’ secrets. Oh, everyone except my bf’s secrets. For some reason, there is 100% trust that this gossip queen will keep only my bf’s secrets. How sweet and special a relationship they have eh!
It’s an easy way out for him – “We’re best friends”. The best friends title trumps all weirdness between them and any feelings of awkwardness that gets forced onto me. Forced because, I have no choice but to accept “them”. He’s been very vocal about it. They know each other best, they trust each other, and know their friendship will last forever…they might as well have exchanged vows for in sickness and in health. They just “get” each other. He’s been pretty blunt about it, in that he knows his best friend better than he knows me, and basically would trust his bestest over me, just purely because they’ve known each other practically their whole lives. Obviously best friend for life always wins gf of a few years.
They share stories of their past whenever they hang out with other friends, with many “hey remember that time when…”, which is a story only between the two of them, usually instigated by the best friend. They love discussing hypothetical situations and beat it to death with their opinionated arguments and what-if scenarios, for hours on end.
When they drink and get drunk, they get touchy. Knees touch. Arms go around shoulders. There’s grazing of arms. Shoulders touch and stay touching. Best friend rubbing my bf’s back. There’s no shame. It’s all “normal”, because drunk people are touchy. Okaay. The last time they were drunk, they were singing some song that’s “theirs” from the past, and the best friend declares, “this is my boy!! this is MY boy!!”, while everyone has their phone cameras on taking pictures or videos of them because it’s so funny. Yea – they’re always a spectacle. People laugh.
They put a lot of thoughts into each other’s gifts. For their birthdays, which they share a joint birthday party each year, they exchange gifts in a one-on-one meeting. A couple years ago, while we were on vacation for my bf’s birthday, they weren’t able to spend time with each other on the actual day of my bf’s birthday, so the best friend delivers a gift box with rose petals and champagne, wishing him a very happy birthday, after they’ve already exchanged gifts prior to our vacation departure. WOW. The bf tried to convince me the champagne was for us. But no. I don’t think so. First, the best friend hates me and wants to get rid of me. Second, it’s your birthday, not our anniversary. It’s not for us – dammit. It was just a weasel way to have presence while not having physical presence. Talk about ultra needy.
Since we’ve been together, I’ve noticed that his best friend makes all attempts possible to be as close as possible to anyone remotely related to my bf as possible – bf’s sister, his brother in law, his brother n law’s family, his cousins from another province, his coworkers…you get the point. Basically anyone who can help maintain a closeness within my bf’s life.
I fully understand that as a best friend it’s hard when a new gf comes along and takes away precious bonding time. I was understanding at first. But then, the best friend starts tearing, sulking, in group outings, where everyone had to ask if the best friend was ok. Every time, my bf had to leave me to “check up” on the best friend. And then when the tears didn’t work, it became vicious. I soon became the topic of discussion between his best friend and the rest of their cliquey catty friends, painting me the Yoko Ono of their best-friend relationship.
I was some horrible, crazy, bitch gf that didn’t deserve his best friend. Gasp. All of his friends were against the fact that we were together. The sad thing was, we were all mutual friends to start for 8 years, prior to anything happening. They all turned to hate me because I was the mean gf who ignored the poor helpless best friend. OMG. Never had I ever had to deal with so much drama in my life. I brutally hated them. What a bunch of immature freaks.
I know that it’s VERY easy for an outsider to just say, if you’re not happy, then leave. But…I really really like being with my bf. Maybe I have issues. But I feel that these people are worth dealing with in order to stay with my bf. I even felt the lame best friend is worth dealing with. My bf treats me really well otherwise. Before him, I used to do the whole: I don’t need anyone, I can be Miss Independent. But I got really tired and bored of that. I don’t want to be alone anymore.
I somehow found the courage to get passed their immaturity and just focus on what I want. They are insignificant to me, so I shouldn’t let them bother me or weigh me down. So I did that. I just dropped them. I smile and say hi, and join their dinner outings. But it’ll never be the same. It’s just that I know that there’ll always be the intimate-best-friendship relationship, which is hidden from me. Instead of seeing them interact in person, I see him constantly texting. What they text about, I have no idea…
At least when I spend time with my bf, it’s the best feeling ever. We are pretty great together. So I’ll spare you those amazing details.
Because we spend most of our time together in person, they make up in-person time for each other during work hours. Because they work close-by, they have work lunches.
I don’t know if it’s in my head, but sometimes, I feel that when he knows I’m feeling a little jealous, he becomes extra nice to me: he cuddles me more and gives me much more undivided attention. Is it because he feels guilty? Or is it because he’s trying to be fair and make sure to split his time and attention evenly between me and his best friend?
I guess the problem is, if this is even a problem at all, is that my bf doesn’t think there is a problem. Everything is perfectly normal. It’s normal to have a best friend (yes, I agree). With his emotional dependency on his best friend, what does that say about his relationship with me? How significant am I as a significant other? Sometimes, I don’t feel much significance at all (Insecure self? Maybe..). I have his body with me in person, this shell, but his mind is with his more valued best friend.
Honestly, it hurts. I feel inadequate. What I offer as a gf doesn’t ever seem to be enough. It’s not enough after he tells me about his victories or celebrations. He still needs to celebrate with his best friend. I feel like his veggies, while his best friend is his desert. I don’t like feeling like a disguised first when I’m actually a second.
Have I mentioned the best friend is a dude? Ya…
What male best friend cries? Literally blobs of tears dripping from the corner of his eyes, with a tissue in his hand, when he saw us hold hands or hug or kiss. That’s not just a jealousy of lost-best-friendness. It’s really a whole other issue here. I began to speculate and question his sexual orientation. I’m not against people who are gay / choose to be gay/ born gay. Everyone has their sexual preferences just as political preferences and religious preferences. I don’t judge or care. But if you’re gay and living a lie, which directly hurts and affects me – then I care a lot. Freakin get your own bf! You can’t build a life or family with a best friend. We’re not 13 anymore for God sake.
I know how mean I sound when I accuse him of being a closeted gay guy. He could be just a very sensitive guy. The nicest guy. The funniest guy that everyone awes at and feels sorry for. Oh boy, he’s really good at getting sympathy. Maybe all the girls feel so much sympathy for him, there’s not one girl who wouldn’t friend zone him.
There was a girl he dated who was really really into him. For *some* reason he didn’t like her. Guess she wanted to blow him too much and he didn’t like getting BJ from girls. Awe…
Hiis actions, gossipy character, relationships (or lack of) with particular girls, plus this other strange incident really convinces me my speculations are true. I’m not sure what straight sober man would b-line into a one-toilet washroom with their male best friend and insist that they show him his junk? It was the first time I questioned his orientation. Before everything else, I could excuse as extra extra sensitive. But the walls were so thin, as I sat on the toilet in the ladies single-toilet washroom, I heard him beg a few times, after my bf told him to get the hell out of the washroom because he had to pee badly, to see his junk. “Pleeeease, let me see it”. WTF. He might as well have rapped him in there, since none of it was consensual.
He said he saw it on a tv show, that a best friend should know everything about their best friend and see the other best friend’s everything, including their junk. Okaaay.
In my world, that’s the best friend who becomes a wife, a significant other, a life partner. Not a regular dude-dude best friend. No matter how he tried to justify it. I couldn’t and won’t buy it. I was convinced. Everything made sense. The tears, the neediness, the constant touching when drunk, the vocal-ness of him talking about my bf all the time, the need to ask my bf what he’s doing every single day…it’s not just bromance. It’s true love. Are they true soulmates?!?
And now, in my pathetic day-to-day life, I cringe, every time I see them text each other, in their normal day-to-day life. I again question, if this is something I can live with for the rest of my life.
Going back to the definition of emotional affairs: two people with extreme closeness and emotional intimacy, without the physicality of a sexual relationship. Is it still cheating if it’s a male-male emotional bonding? Am I just crazy or overly controlling? They say that for women, discovery of an emotional affair is often worse than a sexual affair. There is a strong connectivity of affection and intimacy that a sexual act wouldn’t necessarily have.
I’m not sure anyone can relate, seriously. I’m embarrassed to tell anyone I know this story because either a) I sound stupid for even staying because it’s so obvious or b) I’m stupid for even thinking this at all. For what it’s worth, I am not just a creative fictitious thinker. Some of his friends who don’t see him much anymore have approached me to tell me, they understand, and that I just have to let it be. I guess if I want to stay with him, that’s the best advice I could get.
Couples always sound so happy when they say they married their best friend. In my case, I guess that will never happen. He’s already got a best friend. And that best friend ain’t me!